Fuck it, I sacrificed it

July 18, 2017

My plan was to give it one year.. Quit my job, say goodbye friends that I've come to love, family, sell or drive my car to the west coast. My theory was if I genuinely wanted to build and spend my life with you I would reside in the golden state wearing my heart on my sleeves. Not only would you have been my lover but my friend..my only friend. Dreams are moving..powerful. I assume the reason you left was to chase a dream. Who was I to get in the way? Remove anyone in your life that makes you feel doubtful about your dreams, they're in the way.  When it comes to sacrificing you have to decide what it is that you really want and how it will effect your every day life if you follow through. It's foolish to make a sacrifice thinking of someone elses needs before your own. That's where I went wrong. After bittersweet weeks I stayed put in Orlando. Utilizing all the energy I put into the dream of flipping my life upside down for you into where it should've been all along.. right side up focusing on myself.

Changing the theme on my myspace while texting on a look alike sidekick phone is an idea of how my days were spent in eighth grade. I straightened my hair every day, a black zip up jacket hood on and air force ones. (I'm still wondering why my mom never threw out that jacket after asking every day why I wore it in 80 degree weather!) Thankfully I never had a hard time fitting in. My sense of humor has always been an intriguing way to connect with people. A boyfriend at the time but I also had an attraction with more than one girl. Breaking up with the sweetest boy I know was a breath of fresh air. Fun and games until messages about kissing came into play. It was time to seize the moment. I felt compelled to tell my mom the curiosity in my heart. Listing all things I would sacrifice if she didn't approve..friendship, guidance, trust, respect.. all extremely important in my household growing up. I wanted her on my team, that's what kept me up passed bedtime to catch her from work. Dancing around the bush didn't get me as far as I hoped. Assuming it was a joke she believed me once I revealed messages between me and lover 1 and 2. The sentence came out straightforward and caught her by surprise.When she was asked what she was going to do by my grandma she said nothing.  Despite family concerns and opinions my mother never treated me like I was a pariah.

Somewhere in between 2010 and 2012 I survived a christmas nightmare. Speaking from my brothers point of view sneaking out was a better way to spend his night than watching polar express on the couch with me. Mom working late left me home alone singing along wishing there was snow outside. The hot chocolate song was playing in the background while I stared at the caller id that popped up on the tv screen. Mom wanted to talk to Jose, blurting out the first thought that came to mind I told her he was in the shower. Crossing my fingers she would get busy she called back..you know the rest. I had no choice but to tell the truth. When I thought it couldn't get any worse it did..I was told Santa was supposed to give me $100. Sacrificing for my brother left me with nothing but a stocking filled with candy canes. No different colors or flavors. Not the adult sized.. the kids size that are as long as my pinky finger. It was the longest, most painful christmas day ever. True life: I would do it all twice and not change a thing. All sacrifices were worth molding me into the person I am today.

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