Dangerous Games

December 2, 2017

This is the same girl that once made me feel unstoppable when I've felt worthless. Drop her jacket over a puddle for me without hesitation.  I felt torn between looking for love where it was lost or work through doubts as a unit. A tub of ice cream and a playlist of break up songs later I decided to isolate myself day by day.  


I start with the elementary excuse in the book “I’ve been in need of alone time.” In my mind it’s much more understanding to accept self love than wanting to break up for no reason. Attending to ourselves over a sudden change of heart. It is not you, it is me. “I think we spend a lot of time together.” Rehearsing the conversation in my mind 1,000 times made the lies flow off my tongue. Alone time covered off days and long shifts excluded me from late night visits. I kept texting and calling to a minimum. The space between disrupting our normal routine. 


Making myself unavailable was the test and I was passing with flying colors. A difference in your partners behavior is as noticeable as how angry we get when someone has eaten our leftovers. An explanation was required the day I finally made time for us. I couldn’t bring my lips to recite the thoughts going on in my head. “Why have you been so distant with me baby? Did I do something wrong?” Not in a million years would I wish someone to have the power to read my mind due to these situations. Especially when someone is waiting for your opinion/reaction on a meal they’ve cooked. “I don’t want this” was the response in my head. What came out of my lips was “I’m sorry. I will do better.” A cycle of good memories made me want to stick around. I tried to bring those feelings of happiness and security into my heart but I failed time and time again. I accepted that’s all they were and ever will be.. memories. 


Once my master plan succeeded I realized I was fooling myself all along. Toying with someone’s heart  shouldn’t be an option. The truth hurts but a lie/lies drain and drag out the relationship. Why differentiate their views on love or potential lovers after you? Love is never taken away from us, we only take advantage.  Although nothing is permanent.. treat others how you would like to be treated.  

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