When you know, you know.

June 28, 2019

The question was "When did you turn gay?" My answer came in seconds. "I didn't turn I was born this way." I've never been asked that question.. it's always been how did you know? How do you know? "When did you turn" sounds more like I woke up on a Monday and told myself "This week I'm going to be attracted to the same sex even if I don't enjoy it." Becoming attracted to females came natural to me. There was no phase. There's no traumatic story from my past that involves a male. Since I was twelve there was no confusion. 


My childhood was adventurous, restless and sweaty. I spent majority of my days outside with friends  that lived in my neighborhood. I always had more guy friends than girl friends. I'm not sure if this was because of my big brother but that's always how it went. In middle school I had one close girl friend until she moved away. I didn't have much in common with girls that were my age. I wasn't into any kind of makeup or dressing up. I was never into Barbie dolls or playing house. I'd rather play football, skid my wheels on my bike or jump fences back and forth to my friends house. I was a tomb boy my entire childhood. There were moments my mom made me wear a dress or skirt occasionally but she knew I wasn't happy. Considering she would yell at me to smile in pictures we took those days.


I think that's why my mom wasn't devastated when I told her I like girls. I didn't want to tell her as soon as I felt a spark because I thought it was a phase. I thought my boy crushes were just boring me. I let days pass by and watched myself while I was around her. It was a different feeling from crushes I've had on guys. There was a twisting in my stomach that was unfamiliar but felt good! I didn't want to kiss before telling my mom that I had feelings for a girl in my school. That night I waited for my mom to come home from work anxious about how she would react. Like any mother my mom knew something was on my mind.. we walked to her room and I spit it out. "Mom, I think I like girls." She laughed "What?!" "I really think so mom. I like her. I had to tell you." She didn't get mad, she didn't shame me. She defended me in front of family members and said she would never change who I am. 


I didn't realize how lucky I was until some of my classmates opened up to me about their coming out story. There were parents that wanted to completely disown their child. Kicked them out, tortured them. Insisting they attend church because they've been lead to a life of sin.Hearing their stories and thinking about how open I was with my mom made me feel blessed. The only thing I could do was be a friend they could come talk to when they were feeling worthless. Give a hug and just listen. Let them know they're not alone. It's not easy coming out. Especially when you know it's not accepted by your loved ones.I still feel blessed because I know there are people out there that are dealing with these struggles. But you're not alone.. we love you exactly how you are. The next time you want to know about someones coming out story know we don't pick when to like the same gender. We're born this way.

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